WELCOME to

THE ROBOTARD 8000




We are THE ROBOTARD 8000.


We wrote a screenplay.


We thought it was funny.


And although the component parts of The Robotard 8000 are represented by no less than TWO POWERHOUSE AGENCIES, we feel this work is too incendiary and too awesome for traditional delivery agents.


So we sent it to some of our colleagues and people we owe money to instead.  Here’s what they had to say:



“Someone e-mailed me BALLS OUT while I was on a train in Europe.  I laughed so hard some passenger pelted me with cheese.  Then the Robotard 8000 worked its way into my laptop and took over my finances.  All I know is that machine is a funny asshole.”


  1. -Derek Haas, Creator of THE BRINKERMAN CHRONICLES and Writer of WANTED and 3:10 TO YUMA.





I read “Balls Out” on a long plane flight. Halfway through the script, I found myself hoping the fucking plane would crash. Anything to get the words out of my head. If you love reading really funny scripts that make you bend over and cramp up with laughter, don’t read this thing. But if you love jamming shards of broken glass into your eyeballs, then by all means tuck into “Balls Out.”


- Scott Frank, Writer/Director of THE LOOKOUT and Writer of OUT OF SIGHT, MINORITY REPORT and that recent one where he killed that dog named Marley.





"There's a pretty decent joke on page 74."


  1. -Larry Doyle, Former writer on THE SIMPSONS and Thurber Award®-Winning author of I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER (soon to be a major motion picture).





“Balls Out isn't safe, it isn't family friendly and it might be illegal.  But it made me laugh.  Out loud.  A LOT.  Good for them/he/she/it."


  1. -Craig Mazin, Writer/Director of SUPERHERO MOVIE and Writer of Scary Movie 3 and Scary Movie 4





"You probably can't handle BALLS OUT.  You probably can't make your boss understand why BALLS OUT is so brilliant.  And it is brilliant.  But if you can handle it you will be rewarded, for BALLS OUT is a sweet love story wrapped in a dick punch and garnished with a taco kick.  BALLS OUT isn't for the weak, the elderly or the stupid.  And if you love it like I love it, you will know that this is something worth sharing even if it means you'll never get into heaven.  BALLS OUT is what a screenplay should be: irreverent, intelligent, groundbreaking, smart, and even better it assumes you are smart.  If you are stupid, please don't read it.  It isn't for you."


  1. -Beth Schacter, Writer/Director of NORMAL ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOR





"America has a lot of problems and stuff right now.  What the Robotard has achieved with 'Balls Out' would go a long way towards making a lot of that bad shit just go away."


  1. -Tim Herlihy, Former SNL Writer and Writer of HAPPY GILMORE, THE WEDDING SINGER and most of the rest of the best of the Adam Sandler flicks.





"A well-written, genuinely sly crime against humanity. It's like watching children paint with shit."


- James Vanderbilt, Writer of ZODIAC and the upcoming mega-hit SPIDERMAN 4.





“BALLS OUT needs to be onscreen because it is mother-fuckin' funny. I am fairly certain that the good people of our fine nation will pay lots of money to see the hilarious shit these characters do over and over again, thus saving the economy and perhaps the world. If Hollywood is too chicken shit, I think Robotard 8000 should try for an NEA grant.”


- Karen Lutz, Writer of LEGALLY BLONDE, TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU and THE HOUSE BUNNY.





"This script is so horrifically, cruelly, obscenely funny, it will almost certainly never get made.  So it's up to you to mind-make it."


  1. -Rian Johnson, Writer/Director of BRICK and THE BROTHERS BLOOM





“If The Robotard 8000 weren’t real, it would have to make itself up.   Balls Out is funny and brilliant and wrong.   This script is a gamechanger.”


  1. -John Turman, Writer of THE HULK and FANTASTIC FOUR 2: THE SILVER SURFER





"BALLS OUT is a stain on the craft of screenwriting.  I'm sure that I'm worse as a person for having read it.  I could feel precious things slowly slipping away from me with every page I turned - my skill as a writer, my decency, my hope for humanity.  Is this the kind of quote you were looking for, Robotard?  Good.  Now release my children, you monster!"


  1. -Jeff Lowell, Writer of DAS HUNDEHOTEL (HOTEL FOR DOGS) and JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE.





“BALLS OUT should come with a warning label:  May cause discomfort, itching, nausea and gut-busting laughter.  These side effects are unusual for a screenplay, especially one written by a robot.  Proceed with caution.  But, dammit...PROCEED!”


  1. -Mark Swift, Writer of FRIDAY THE 13TH, FREDDY VS. JASON and a really messed up script called GATOR FARM that we bet you’d enjoy.




“When The Robotard 8000 asked me to read "Balls Out", I reported that I found it unnecessarily pornographic, gratuitously violent and about as commercial as a TV series about STDs in a convent.  In other words, I fucking loved it.  Don't be afraid, just do what I did: dig down through the many levels of blood, semen and feces until you're nose to nose with that cute little pony of a love story The Robotard 8000 has buried there. Just remember to replace all the blood, semen and feces upon completion so others may enjoy the journey, too.”


- Tim O’Donnell, Writer and/or Director of just about every TV show you’ve ever seen, from GROWING PAINS to CLUELESS to DAVE’S WORLD to LIZZIE McGUIRE to PHIL OF THE FUTURE to...





“Overly-impressed with its own form of stupid-funny, this script fails to effectively execute the basic elements of solid storytelling.”

- Some Professionally Uptight Chick that a FRIEND A ROBOTARD  (FART) got to cover the script.




But don’t listen to them.  They’re all, like, successful robber barons at the top of their craft - what the fuck do THEY know?


You need to find out for yourself, bubba.


Click HERE to read the BALLS OUT screenplay and experience the BALLS OUT experience until ‘experience’ is just a word you’ve experienced and love, sweet sweet love, tastes just like a rusty fungo bat!!!



***

JESUS MUDFLAPPIN’ CHRIST!!!!!


BALLS OUT made the 2009

BLACK LIST!


Don’t believe us?


Click HERE!


***

SECONDARY NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!


We’ve also created a PILOT for a MOTHERFUCKING TV SHOW!


Click HERE to experience “ASSHOLE NINJA” for yourself!


***

TERTIARY NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!!


We wrote a SECOND feature movie script that didn’t sell!  It’s called “THE WHALE” and at long last you can experience it for yourself HERE!


***


After you’ve read us (or stopped reading us), we dare you to head over to our COMMENTS SECTION and tell us what you think.


Or you could check out the sick musings of our diseased minds, spilled haphazardly across our BLOG for your amusement.


Need to contact us?  We can be reached via e-mail at mongo@therobotard8000.com.


We also now have a TWITTER thingee on TWITTER (ahhh, technology) over HERE.  We promise to be suitably obnoxious.



***


Hey look!  Movieline asked us to write a ONE PAGE SCREENPLAY and we did it! (Fuck YEAH, we did!)




Hey look!  Someone made us a Facebook fan page!  How sweet!




Hey look!  The fine folks at Cinematical gave us a shout out!




Hey look!  Our cuddly little quote-buddy Craig Mazin blogged about us over at his site, THE ARTFUL WRITER!




Hey look!  The dudes over at PDFScreenplays.com recorded a podcast about our partial-birth abortion of a script!  You can listen to it HERE.


Or listen to their latest podcast, featuring what they describe as “an exclusive interview with The Robotard 8000”, HERE.




Thanks, all!  Your grace warms the metallic cockles of the sweaty hate-pit that undulates where our heart-meat should be.



***


Love the turtles like we do?


Then click HERE and view them in their natural habitat!